Motivational image #70

Tomorrow never, never comes

Confession time: I have taken a slight hiatus from the healthy eating and exercise…

OK, when I say slight, it’s been over a month of “enjoying” eating all the junk I want and ignoring my running trainers. My body is not happy about this – and it’s not put me in a good headspace. Today I found an article in an old magazine which discussed studies which have confirmed a link between eating junk food and depression. From experience, I know that it is so much easier to feel better in your mind when you’re living the healthy life, but I still self-sabotage myself and eat trash and don’t exercise.

August was an up and down month. At the start I was having a really stressful time at work, which was causing me a lot of anxiety. I have a very critical manager who has promoted a blame culture and seems to seek the negative. I was losing sleep about it and couldn’t find the time to exercise or read other weight loss blogs for inspiration, and turned to food for comfort. I know that I’ve piled on the pounds, but I will weigh myself in a few days when I can face letting the blogging world know.

Thankfully I had a couple of short holidays booked to escape the city: I spent 5 days learning how to surf in Cornwall (brilliant exercise and so much fun – I ached all over!), and a couple of weeks later went to South Wales for a week. The bad news was that I used these as an opportunity to continuously make deliberately bad food choices (telling myself that I should eat whatever I want whilst I’m still off the wagon). But overall, they were good experiences for the soul!

The time away gave me the chance to evaluate things and on Monday I handed in my notice at work. I truly believe that life is too short to accept a job that makes you unhappy or let someone make you lose your confidence. I hopefully have a new contract with another company coming up (otherwise I’ll be broke), but I feel confident it was the right decision whatever happens. One and a half more weeks and I’ll be out of there!

So I need to get my head straight, start living the healthy lifestyle again and make sure I stay far far away from that 17 stone 4 lbs starting weight!

I have a lot of blogs to catch up on, but I hope you’re all doing well with your goals. I look forward to reading about them. I need to re-motivate myself, but still – it’s good to be back.

Time Travel & Facing Fears

This week I lost 1lb, which brings my total loss to 34 lbs and means I now weigh 14 stone 12 lbs. Happy days – I am proud of that achievement.

I seem to be in a cycle of having a great week, then a not so great one, which means I should be set for a bigger result next week. However, it’s my Dad’s 60th birthday this weekend. which means that I will be at my parents for a few days. If I know my Mum there will be huge amounts of food present at all times, so I will need to prepare myself for how I will react to that.

Nonetheless, I had a really eye opening experience a few days ago. Last week I was sorting through some old photos and I came across a few journals that I kept from the ages of 15 to 18. They made me cry with laughter – I can’t believe how angsty and dark I was. Why did I overthink everything and make things so complicated? I immediately texted my friend Steph and told her she had to see them, and so on Thursday she came over and we read through them together. It was a bonding evening and we laughed so much that my housemate with the room above mine had to come down to ask us to be quiet. I didn’t feel self-conscious or embarrassed in front of Steph, as I couldn’t identify as being the same person who’d been writing these journal entries.

To sum them up, they involved two years in which I mainly obsess about a boy named Johnny, one year in which I am dating him and describe in great detail how incredible this is, and then one year of devastation and bitterness after he broke up with me for someone else. Woe is me 🙂 (Gosh, I am so relieved that facebook statuses weren’t mainstream back then – at least my angst was confined to a fluffy notebook!)

For example:

9th August 2004 (I have just turned 15)

“I had anotha l8 nite with Johnny – I like him soooo much! I keep sayin 2 myself that he’s nt the 1 4 me bt then he does sumthin really sweet nd I end up thinking bout how he’s the best guy pour moi nd I can’t find ne1 beta than him. I’m so sure bout this that I’m actually considerin tellin him my feelins nd I really would if I thought there was the slightest possibility he would be pleased bout it!”

(Can you believe that at this point I wanted to be a writer?!)

5th November 2004

“It’s definite – Johnny fancies Steph! I asked Chris on MSN + by the sounds of it Chris is tryin 2 match make them! I’m findin it a lot harder 2 take than I thought I would! Afta I stopped talkin 2 Chris – I went up 2 my room + spent 15 minutes jst wlkin round it – tears rollin down my face…”

19th July 2005 (I am now 16 and have been going out with Johnny for one entire day)

“I hardly slept a wink last night – got less than 4 hrs sleep… I jst couldn’t stop thinkin bout everythin! I mean – wow! This time yestaday I had no idea that Johnny and I would eva go out! I jst really hope he hasn’t changed his mind havin slept on it! He is such a sweet boyfriend already! Man – I’m terrified about kissin him – wot if I’m terrible? I neva thought goin out with sum1 could b so scary – bt it is! (In a good way)!”

7th April 2006 (I am 17 and have been with the J-dawg for 9 months (Ok fine, no-one called him the J-dawg but I’m a bit sick of writing his full name))

“I love Johnny so, so much! He is jst so kind + caring + lovely + I honestly could not wish 4 a better boyfriend! I trust him and I feel safe with him! Oh Jonny, if you could jst understand how much I love you!!!”

16th May 2006 (the day the tragedy occurred)

“He did it! (You can probably guess what) And nothing has ever hurt this much in my life! I love him! How can I ever get over him??? I hate myself!”

Ok, congratulations if you made it this far. No more angsty teenage journal entries I promise.

I’ll leave it there because for the next couple of years it’s pretty much “how can I ever get over Johnny?/can I ever love again?/what is life about? angst angst blah blah blah”.

Anyway, I had written about other topics than the boy so we took a few hours to read them and Steph and I judged these books to be comic gold. Looking back – especially when seeing it through a friend’s eyes – I can hardly relate to that person who wrote these things down. I have such a different outlook on life now, different friends and different priorities.

However, though I didn’t admit this to Steph at the time, there is one clear thread that runs through these journals to the present day: I let fear hold me back from so many things. In particular when it comes to dating and relationships. So as I was self-righteously laughing at how dumb my younger self is, part of me was a bit shocked because I still think like that naive and timid 15 year old now when it comes to love and romance.

Without going through my dating history since the J-dawg, to sum up I tend to date guys that I know deep down like me more than I like them and so my relationships end after a few months when I can’t commit any further to them. When I am genuinely attracted to someone I can’t speak to them and I run away. I guess I have this (hollywood romance fuelled) vague hope that one of these guys that I really like will just ‘see’ something in me (despite the fact I’m ignoring them and acting awkward around them) and know that I’m the one for them. Thus they will pursue me and push through my weirdness. Madness.

I’m not saying that I’m suddenly going to become an overconfident man-eater, asking random strangers out like the world’s about to end. But I think I need to take more risks. I need to stop fearing embarrassment (if I ask someone out for a drink and they say no) and accept that rejection is just an unavoidable hazard in the quest to find someone (haha I wouldn’t call it a quest just yet, as I’ve been avoiding dating for a while). I can’t let a failed teenage romance stop me from being my best self.

So my challenge to myself is that once I’ve lost 18 more pounds I will start dating. 18 pounds because then my BMI will no longer be in the ‘obese’ category. And no, this isn’t because I believe that no-one could find me attractive now, but I need time to find that inner confidence and bravery again as those qualities have been crushed and hidden since that fateful day of 16th May 2006.

I am going to face my fears – not because I’m desperate to find someone, but because I would hate to read my current journal in another seven years and curse myself for not living as full a life as I could do.

J-Dawg you will hold me down no longer. The B-bird is back!

(… Awkward)

Running for my life

The past week has been intensely busy for me and as a result I have fallen off the wagon eating-wise for the past few days. Yesterday in particular was out of control, and culminated in a chocolate binge last night. It was a clear reminder for me that my issues with food won’t just disappear. I am food addict and use it as an emotional buffer: this is an issue that I will need to be aware of and deal with my whole life.

So I was feeling quite annoyed at myself today and was trying to pull things back together again. I knew that I needed to go for a run, but decided that I wasn’t up to it and would just skip this one. However, later in the evening I got home and logged onto wordpress to read some of the latest posts of the blogs that I follow. Within ten minutes I was feeling motivated and upbeat again and half an hour later I was in my running gear heading out the door. Thank you blogging community for giving me the kick up the arse that I needed today. I am so inspired by your weight loss and exercise journeys and your posts motivate me to keep going.

However, by the time I set out it was about 8pm and raining quite hard. I’ve always loved running in the rain – I find it really liberating: it makes you feel alive. I was also excited to try out my new app ‘Zombies, Run!’

Basically you can choose a playlist of your music and in between the songs you’re in a story about being chased by zombies.  It starts with your plane being shot down and then you have a radio operator communicating with you and narrating what’s happening. It was quite amusing and definitely made me run faster. When someone is shouting at you ‘the ZOMBIES are coming! Run! RUN!’ it instills genuine fear, especially as there are zombie sound effects.

As you go along you ‘pick up’ items, which will apparently be useful in later levels. I am excited to use it again and see what happens next time.

To make it more sinister however, it got really dark and began to rain harder as I was running round Queen’s Park. Then the thunder and lightning started. They were really close to each other, which I know means that the storm was really close by. I was in a densely wooded area, which I knew was a bad idea, so I genuinely got a bit scared and turned for home. Although I wasn’t out for as long as I should have been I jogged continuously to get home quicker (instead of interspersing walking and running) and my speed was faster than usual, so I felt like it was a decent workout. It was a really good jog in general as I had a lot of energy and the zombie app kept me amused. Afterwards I felt really good that I’d got the run done, and had the happy feeling of lots of endorphins zipping their way around my body.

I know that running keeps me motivated to control my diet. I need to prioritise it and keep looking for ways to keep it fun. Any suggestions would be appreciated 🙂

Feeling good

Getting fit is bloody hard work, but exciting too. I can’t wait to use more of my body’s potential. 

Are the writers of ‘How I Met Your Mother’ fattist?

Starting weight: 17 stone 4 lbs

Current weight: 14 stone 13 lbs

Weight lost: 33 lbs

It feels great to be down into the next stone bracket. Goodbye 15s – we’ve had our ups and downs but I don’t think we should see each other anymore. In fact, I never want to see you again.

Since I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting at age 15 I have been able to mentally bookmark moments of my life by how much I weighed. I could tell you the exact weight I was when I dated each of my ex-boyfriends, on the day I went to Uni, when I completed my first fun run. That figure on the scale defines not just my present, but also my past. I hope that one day I’ll be able to put my scales in the bin and not feel the need to know that number.

The number is also so intertwined with my self-esteem. It might only be a difference of 1lb, but I feel so much better now being in the 14s than the 15s. I know this shouldn’t be the case. I wish I was able to love and be proud of myself regardless of my weight, but being called the fat kid since the age of 4 is a hard thing to shake off. It’s a lifetime of being told that being fat is second-best. And those kids on the playground got those ‘fattist’ views from somewhere – quite possibly their parents, or else the endless media images, in which the overweight character is the joke of the scene.

Fat Jokes – Haha

One of my favourite shows is ‘How I Met Your Mother’, but I feel genuinely disappointed with its portrayal of overweight people. Barney makes a number of references to the amount of women he’s slept with, followed by ‘and not a single fatty – up high’… There’s a scene where Ted is out on a date with a beautiful girl and the others text him a picture of her a year earlier in which she is obese, and he runs away. In another episode Barney makes up a poem about the ‘Sexless Inkeeper’, aka the fat, ugly woman who he pretends he will sleep with to have a place to crash for the night. These are just a few of examples, which I haven’t had to look up as they are engrained in my memory, but I know there are plenty more. I remember feeling real disappointment at every one of those references, because I am that girl that Barney would shudder at the thought of being with and that Ted would run away from.

I’m not suggesting that the media needs to overcompensate by portraying being overweight as being healthy – we all know it isn’t. But in my opinion it’s just cheap humour when writer’s make simplistic fat jokes (or ginger jokes, or ugly jokes…), because four years olds can do that and there is no skill involved. It just puts someone down for what they look like.

‘Friends’ had it slightly better – at least Monica is written as a complex character. Yes, there are plenty of jokes at her expense when she is fat, but the general tone is one of fondness for her- you know the writers like her as a character and want other people to like her too – when she is fat and when she is thin.

Furthermore, when you take ‘New Girl’, which also deals with overweight characters (namely Shmidt in the past, but also his girlfriend Elizabeth), whilst they are occasionally the butt of jokes there is some major character development in there. Shmidt realises that Elizabeth is someone who really values him for who he is, and at the end of the current series he is left in a quandary where he has to choose between her and his other ex Cece (who is a model) and he can’t make the decision. Something tells me that Barney and Ted wouldn’t have taken long to make their minds up.

Maybe that’s the difference with HIMYM – as far as I can recall (and please correct me if I’m wrong) there are no major overweight characters in any of its 8 series, and ‘fatties’ are only objectified and ridiculed. There is no doubt left in the viewers mind that of course the male characters could only ever be attracted to beautiful, skinny women.

I don’t want to go down the path of political correctness. No I do not believe that comedy should have limits and I definitely don’t get on my high horse at every fat reference in the mainstream media (I’d be getting up there a lot if I did), but I wish that writers wouldn’t put their characters in boxes (and this goes for more than just the overweight ones).

I haven’t got any statistics about how the above comedies treat their overweight characters. I can only say that I have never finished an episode of ‘New Girl’ or ‘Friends’ and felt bad about myself, but with ‘How I Met Your Mother’ sometimes I switch off the TV and feel just a little bit worse. That is my only measurement and yeah I do think that the HIMYM writers have a bit of a fattist agenda.

But screw them. I want to learn how to feel good about myself regardless of that number on the scale. And whatever it reads, I wouldn’t want to date the Teds or the Barneys of this world. I’m holding out for a Shmidt, because he is fricking awesome.

Trying New Things

I’m definitely a creature of habit.

Whilst I’m not afraid to try the big new things like doing a bungee jump or changing job, when it comes to day-to-day life I tend to stick with the things I know I like. Why not? It keeps things simple.

Last time when I lost a significant amount of weight I stuck to what I knew. I ate very similar things (porridge for breakfast, salad for lunch, baked potato for dinner) and kept to the same exercise routine (running). And it worked at first – I lost weight and I didn’t find it hard to maintain the pattern, however eventually I hit a plateau that lasted a long time, which was probably caused by my stubborn refusal to change my routine. I had seen my new habits work so I was scared to change anything.

After enough time had passed with my weight plateauing I became disheartened, and gradually my old habits slipped back in and I piled all the weight back on and more.

This time round I am trying to embrace the new so that when the inevitable weight plateau comes along I am happy to shake things up a bit.

Old dogs can learn new tricks (with a LOT of encouragement)

When I first started running I was convinced I could only go out alone. I was worried that I would become too insecure to run with other people and my anxiety would lead to me forgetting how to breathe properly. However, when I joined a jogging club last year I realised that it’s a lot of fun going out with others – you can distract each other by having a chat during the tough bits and you can cheer each other on at the finish line.

I took up jogging again just over a week ago, and every time I’ve left the house my housemate’s dog Trigger has looked at me mournfully. He is a pain to walk sometimes because he has to stop to sniff everything, so I assumed that going running with him would be the same. I kept telling myself that I needed to stick with what I know (headphones in, ‘determined jogger face’ switched on) as I get back into exercising again.

Then it hit me that I was making assumptions about what would and wouldn’t be helpful before giving it a shot, so yesterday I harnessed up Trigger and took him out with me:

And although we had our issues I actually really enjoyed it. I hadn’t taken my iPod with me as I thought juggling that with Trigger’s lead, his poo bags, his treats and my water bottle might be a bit much, but Trigger’s company reduced the need for music. It felt really nice having a companion galloping along beside me (he has very little legs, so he has to move them a lot faster than mine).

There were moments when I had to pretty much drag him along as he was trying to wee on a lamppost, or smell every blade of grass under a tree, but I think this proved to be pretty good resistance training for me. I was exhausted once we’d finished, and so was he:

It was good for him too, as now there are eleven of us living in this house he definitely gets over-fed. But then who can resist that face?

American-English Translation Problems

Continuing in the vein of trying new things, when I saw this great aubergine pizza recipe on Grace’s blog I thought I would give it a try. I headed to the local market to get some ingredients, but when I arrived I couldn’t recall what the base was made of. I couldn’t remember if the US name eggplant is an aubergine or a courgette to us Brits. Then I wondered if it had actually said zucchini, and if so – what is that? Thankfully I bought a couple of aubergines, which turned out to be correct and made these really simple but delicious aubergine pizzas:

Step 1: Slice the aubergines and grill for a few minutes. Then add a tiny bit of oil and stick them under for a bit longer.

Step 2: Add tomato puree and toppings.

Step 3: Stick back under the grill until the cheese has melted.

They were really delicious and as good – if not better – than actual pizza. I will definitely be making them again so I am really glad I gave it a go.

They smelled good too, as Trigger sat by the oven the whole time they were in there.

I’ve had two good experiences of new things this week and I’m now excited to shake things up a bit more. In fact I’ve just booked a short holiday with a friend down in Cornwall at a beginner’s surf school. I have always wanted to learn how to surf as I love being in the sea, but my weight and lack of fitness has always left me feeling too insecure to give it a try. I am sick and tired of letting my weight hold me back, so I’m really excited to see what this mini break will be like… even if I have to get over my fear of wearing a wetsuit.