This week I lost 1lb, which brings my total loss to 34 lbs and means I now weigh 14 stone 12 lbs. Happy days – I am proud of that achievement.
I seem to be in a cycle of having a great week, then a not so great one, which means I should be set for a bigger result next week. However, it’s my Dad’s 60th birthday this weekend. which means that I will be at my parents for a few days. If I know my Mum there will be huge amounts of food present at all times, so I will need to prepare myself for how I will react to that.
Nonetheless, I had a really eye opening experience a few days ago. Last week I was sorting through some old photos and I came across a few journals that I kept from the ages of 15 to 18. They made me cry with laughter – I can’t believe how angsty and dark I was. Why did I overthink everything and make things so complicated? I immediately texted my friend Steph and told her she had to see them, and so on Thursday she came over and we read through them together. It was a bonding evening and we laughed so much that my housemate with the room above mine had to come down to ask us to be quiet. I didn’t feel self-conscious or embarrassed in front of Steph, as I couldn’t identify as being the same person who’d been writing these journal entries.
To sum them up, they involved two years in which I mainly obsess about a boy named Johnny, one year in which I am dating him and describe in great detail how incredible this is, and then one year of devastation and bitterness after he broke up with me for someone else. Woe is me 🙂 (Gosh, I am so relieved that facebook statuses weren’t mainstream back then – at least my angst was confined to a fluffy notebook!)
For example:
9th August 2004 (I have just turned 15)
“I had anotha l8 nite with Johnny – I like him soooo much! I keep sayin 2 myself that he’s nt the 1 4 me bt then he does sumthin really sweet nd I end up thinking bout how he’s the best guy pour moi nd I can’t find ne1 beta than him. I’m so sure bout this that I’m actually considerin tellin him my feelins nd I really would if I thought there was the slightest possibility he would be pleased bout it!”
(Can you believe that at this point I wanted to be a writer?!)
5th November 2004
“It’s definite – Johnny fancies Steph! I asked Chris on MSN + by the sounds of it Chris is tryin 2 match make them! I’m findin it a lot harder 2 take than I thought I would! Afta I stopped talkin 2 Chris – I went up 2 my room + spent 15 minutes jst wlkin round it – tears rollin down my face…”
19th July 2005 (I am now 16 and have been going out with Johnny for one entire day)
“I hardly slept a wink last night – got less than 4 hrs sleep… I jst couldn’t stop thinkin bout everythin! I mean – wow! This time yestaday I had no idea that Johnny and I would eva go out! I jst really hope he hasn’t changed his mind havin slept on it! He is such a sweet boyfriend already! Man – I’m terrified about kissin him – wot if I’m terrible? I neva thought goin out with sum1 could b so scary – bt it is! (In a good way)!”
7th April 2006 (I am 17 and have been with the J-dawg for 9 months (Ok fine, no-one called him the J-dawg but I’m a bit sick of writing his full name))
“I love Johnny so, so much! He is jst so kind + caring + lovely + I honestly could not wish 4 a better boyfriend! I trust him and I feel safe with him! Oh Jonny, if you could jst understand how much I love you!!!”
16th May 2006 (the day the tragedy occurred)
“He did it! (You can probably guess what) And nothing has ever hurt this much in my life! I love him! How can I ever get over him??? I hate myself!”
Ok, congratulations if you made it this far. No more angsty teenage journal entries I promise.
I’ll leave it there because for the next couple of years it’s pretty much “how can I ever get over Johnny?/can I ever love again?/what is life about? angst angst blah blah blah”.
Anyway, I had written about other topics than the boy so we took a few hours to read them and Steph and I judged these books to be comic gold. Looking back – especially when seeing it through a friend’s eyes – I can hardly relate to that person who wrote these things down. I have such a different outlook on life now, different friends and different priorities.
However, though I didn’t admit this to Steph at the time, there is one clear thread that runs through these journals to the present day: I let fear hold me back from so many things. In particular when it comes to dating and relationships. So as I was self-righteously laughing at how dumb my younger self is, part of me was a bit shocked because I still think like that naive and timid 15 year old now when it comes to love and romance.
Without going through my dating history since the J-dawg, to sum up I tend to date guys that I know deep down like me more than I like them and so my relationships end after a few months when I can’t commit any further to them. When I am genuinely attracted to someone I can’t speak to them and I run away. I guess I have this (hollywood romance fuelled) vague hope that one of these guys that I really like will just ‘see’ something in me (despite the fact I’m ignoring them and acting awkward around them) and know that I’m the one for them. Thus they will pursue me and push through my weirdness. Madness.
I’m not saying that I’m suddenly going to become an overconfident man-eater, asking random strangers out like the world’s about to end. But I think I need to take more risks. I need to stop fearing embarrassment (if I ask someone out for a drink and they say no) and accept that rejection is just an unavoidable hazard in the quest to find someone (haha I wouldn’t call it a quest just yet, as I’ve been avoiding dating for a while). I can’t let a failed teenage romance stop me from being my best self.
So my challenge to myself is that once I’ve lost 18 more pounds I will start dating. 18 pounds because then my BMI will no longer be in the ‘obese’ category. And no, this isn’t because I believe that no-one could find me attractive now, but I need time to find that inner confidence and bravery again as those qualities have been crushed and hidden since that fateful day of 16th May 2006.
I am going to face my fears – not because I’m desperate to find someone, but because I would hate to read my current journal in another seven years and curse myself for not living as full a life as I could do.
J-Dawg you will hold me down no longer. The B-bird is back!
(… Awkward)
Less of Me 